Hubs and I stayed up until 1:30 this morning. I don’t have a good answer for that. We were watching the second season of The League. There’s some objectionable language and adult material but good gravy the writing is hilarious. I’m a sucker for good writing. So, we kept laughing and kept queuing up the next episode and then there were only two more episodes left and we figured “why not?”. And you know why not? Because it was flippin’ 1:30 in the morning when all was said and done. Because when I finally decided to check the time this morning after falling in and out of sleep while children kept a rotating door of tattling, whining, fighting and being hungry, it was 11:15. Oh my. That will eat up a day. So after doing the eating “breakfast”, checking facebook and email routine, I went to the grocery store lo about 1:15. Along with approximately the entirety of the rest of the city. I returned home at 4:30. I think you see how it was tough to be all resolute in the midst of all that. Against many odds, I still managed to be somewhat successful with my first two resolutions so I’ll do a recap/status update combo.
Resolution number one is to want less. On the one hand, I still want stuff today. Just in general. Just stuff. But remember, as part of the wanting less I added in the whole spending fast. And you know what? I did it! Sure, okay, just for the first day but I’m still owning that and being all proud. When I finally gained access to the innards of the store, the Starbucks clearance sign beckoned me and I nearly succumbed to the Christmasy to-go cup goodness. I’m always up for to-go coffee cups that I can reuse until the cows come home. I remembered my vow of poverty for the month (I say spending fast, I say vow of poverty. Potato, puhtahtoe) and I didn’t even hone in for a closer look. I just kept walking. I gotta say, I felt a little liberated. And did I mention – proud, baby! After the grocery I schlepped over to another store to buy a rug for just inside the front door. But it was because Hubs asked me to. Not because I wanted it. Proud, baby!
Resolution two is context eating (TM implied and express payment expected should you coin the term and pretend it’s all yours and stuff…). As I mentioned just in the paragraph above this one, I went to the grocery store. I spent some good time there doing some price comparison and intentional decision making about ingredients. I bought very little that was processed and concentrated much more on having fruits and veggies to snack on. I didn’t go completely organic but I did buy organic milk. That’s a tough one. We go through A L O T of milk. Between kids who eat on average 1.72 bowls of cereal EACH on every day of the week (I came up with that average based on the amount that makes it into their stomachs vs. what gets spilled on various surfaces vs. what a dog scams out of the situation – it’s all quite scientific really…) and Hub’s protein shakes that bookend the day, we go through a gallon an hour I think. Half our household is of the female persuasion but there are hormones in all of us in various degrees and flavors. I don’t really need funky milk hormones added to the mix. I don’t need princess and peanut popping out mammary glands in their single digit ages. Puberty is hitting earlier and earlier and affecting girls a lot harder than it used to. Between soy being in nearly everything and hormones in chicken and cows increasing – it’s changing things. And as a result, I clutched my $5 gallon of milk and weighed out the cost. Clean cow milk and a more natural time-line toward womanhoodliness won. I’ve found organic milk for cheaper and sure hope to again. But I guess until more peeps demand that's the only way milk should be, well, a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I spent about a hundred bucks. I used very few coupons and bought quite a few items that had been marked down. I mention the amount (in all it’s approximation) because I want to be accountable to the goals I’m setting forth. Now you know my learning curve.
That brings you up to speed and sets us up for another resolution. I thought that I would reveal two but I don’t know how long-winded I am tonight so we’ll start with one and see how it goes.
3. Lighten Up. I’m uptight. I just found this out about a couple of years ago. I have to admit, I remain a little surprised by this revelation. Also a little surprised that I didn’t know before AND that it took so long to reveal itself. You would have thought that the fact that “Lighten Up” is one of those phrases that pisses me off every time someone says it to me would have been a pretty big clue but somehow, it wasn’t. And I’m defensive about being uptight. I would probably deny it right here and now if you told me I’m uptight. Even if you pointed at my computer at what I’m typing right this instant. Oh. I’d still deny it. I’m also a control freak. I mention that because I’m so new to this whole thing that I don’t know if all uptight people are also control freaks OR if all control freaks are also uptight people. I don’t know how all this works, really. But I am both. As long as you don’t call me out on it. And then I’m neither. Also, does anal retentive mean the same as either of those? Because I'm that too. It's true.
I can act like a horse's back-side but I cannot consciously make a fool out of myself. I cannot laugh at myself unless I'm the one cracking the jokes. I am never relaxed. For all the lounging around I do pretty much all day every day, it's never me "chillin' out". I don't do that. I have antsies in my pantsies. I don’t know why I am this way. I talk to my mental health conversationalist (MHC) and have some inklings as to where this might be coming from but I’m so Cameron Frye wound up that I could definitely produce a diamond out of coal. It’s big. It’s a large portion of why I drank so much. It’s super hard to be uptight when you’re buzzing, so buzzing frequently gains serious appeal. Like every day frequently. However, buzzing frequently, like every day frequently, is expensive, unhealthy in lots o’ ways and verboten on a God-fearin’ scale. He didn’t say don’t drink. He just said don’t get drunk. And so did Hubs. And so did Scooby. And I don’t have the capacity to drink without going all the way to drunk (aka buzzing – sorry but I’m not buying into those being different states of intoxication… and neither do the cops so take heed) so I had to stop altogether. Mostly I’m fine with not drinking. I still have those days. I still get hit with HALT (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired). But I’m 7 months in and I know that as long as I don’t start, well over half my battle is won. And while all that may have come across as self-righteous look at me go, I mention it because I still struggle with finding a viable and healthy un-twist-her-up-per. MHC says that I’m guarded, protecting myself. Her. With all her years of education and training and medical degrees and what-not. What does she know?? Whatever this is, whatever the reason, it’s robbing me blind. It’s keeping me from being fully engaged in any situation with any person all the time, every time. It’s like a puzzle that starts trying to connect and is missing just this one lone hold-out piece. I keep that piece locked so deep within me that I don’t even know where it is or how to ransom it. And 2012 is the year this changes because I can’t be the woman I’m meant to be this way. On my best days, I know I have something to offer the world. Something unique and worth sharing. But even on my best days, I don’t even know what the true potential is. It’s time to find out. I saw this excellent quote to whom I do not know to credit – “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away”. And there it is.
I can act like a horse's back-side but I cannot consciously make a fool out of myself. I cannot laugh at myself unless I'm the one cracking the jokes. I am never relaxed. For all the lounging around I do pretty much all day every day, it's never me "chillin' out". I don't do that. I have antsies in my pantsies. I don’t know why I am this way. I talk to my mental health conversationalist (MHC) and have some inklings as to where this might be coming from but I’m so Cameron Frye wound up that I could definitely produce a diamond out of coal. It’s big. It’s a large portion of why I drank so much. It’s super hard to be uptight when you’re buzzing, so buzzing frequently gains serious appeal. Like every day frequently. However, buzzing frequently, like every day frequently, is expensive, unhealthy in lots o’ ways and verboten on a God-fearin’ scale. He didn’t say don’t drink. He just said don’t get drunk. And so did Hubs. And so did Scooby. And I don’t have the capacity to drink without going all the way to drunk (aka buzzing – sorry but I’m not buying into those being different states of intoxication… and neither do the cops so take heed) so I had to stop altogether. Mostly I’m fine with not drinking. I still have those days. I still get hit with HALT (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired). But I’m 7 months in and I know that as long as I don’t start, well over half my battle is won. And while all that may have come across as self-righteous look at me go, I mention it because I still struggle with finding a viable and healthy un-twist-her-up-per. MHC says that I’m guarded, protecting myself. Her. With all her years of education and training and medical degrees and what-not. What does she know?? Whatever this is, whatever the reason, it’s robbing me blind. It’s keeping me from being fully engaged in any situation with any person all the time, every time. It’s like a puzzle that starts trying to connect and is missing just this one lone hold-out piece. I keep that piece locked so deep within me that I don’t even know where it is or how to ransom it. And 2012 is the year this changes because I can’t be the woman I’m meant to be this way. On my best days, I know I have something to offer the world. Something unique and worth sharing. But even on my best days, I don’t even know what the true potential is. It’s time to find out. I saw this excellent quote to whom I do not know to credit – “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away”. And there it is.
That’s all I can do for today. Getting all vulnerable poops a girl out! Get some rest. 2012 seems to start tomorrow with the schools and post offices and banks reopening… Smooch.
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