Friday, May 25, 2012

It's about time...

I know.  I know.  It's ridiculous, really.  But believe me, there are reasons.  I'm sitting here trying to figure out how I can relay all this information without this turning into an online novel.  I haven't quite figured it out.  Perhaps we'll have a multi-episode arc to work out all the details.

Right about the time that I had a new post brewing up, Peanut had a cough that was starting to get worrisome.  Long story short, we ended up in the hospital for 5 days while she fought off pneumonia.  Now, given my previous history with this same hospital about this same time of year 8 years ago with another daughter of mine, this was a pretty emotional event.

Peanut and I got home and started trying to reintegrate into our family.  Valentine's day came and went.  And then, about 3 days later, I got a horrible, horrible phone call.  CoKe called and told me that our sweet friend had died. And I remember not asking how, not asking when, but asking why.  He was not just my sweet friend, he was from my New Orleans family.  He was my soul sister's husband and she was, is, broken hearted.  And, as it turns out, I did not have clothes for any occasion at all.
I didn't have a stupid appropriate stupid black outfit to wear to his funeral.  He was a pretty dapper dude so I was chagrined to wear high water slightly too tight black pants that showed my crazy ass socks whenever I crossed my legs.  I know.  He didn't see me.  Maybe.  And it's not about me.  But it hurts.  I miss him. 

As I came through that, it was Angel's birthday.  And celebrating the 9th birthday that never was, it hurts.  I miss her.

After that was March.  Oh, sure, you say, March.  Like March just generally sucks for the population of everyone.  It's the weather, for sure.  It couldn't commit to spring OR winter so it was just this schizo layering nightmare and you were never sure if you were going to end the day freezing your ass off with all your layers of sweats and blankets or desperate to push the boundaries of what is "indecent" exposure anyway.  But that's not all March is around here.  It's the next step after the building up from Angel's birthday.  It's rolling into my mother's birthday.  Which, really, it isn't much her birthday anymore.  Not for a long time to come.  Because now, a year later, we are reminded that it's the day before her husband died.  Which means that the next day, it's the "anniversary" of the day he died.  It hurts.  I miss him.  And what is truly heart-breaking is that I have just come to the startling realization that it isn't just him that's gone.  There's a part of my mom that is gone with him.  It hurts.  I miss that part of her.  And then, it was Angel's "anniversary".  It's only just now as I share this with you that it occurs to me how woefully misapplied I feel the word anniversary is to these situations.  I'm going to find another word that is more appropriate.  Or make one up.  Anyway.  That day sucked.  And for the 8th year in a row, it's a total crap shoot as to how that day is going to play out.  There have been years where it felt like we got it right and it was cathartic and memorializing.  And there have been years where it felt like I was walking around, a big open wound and everything that came into contact stung, ached or pushed reality in a little bit deeper - a thorn of bitterness and utter desolation.  This year felt more towards the latter end of that spectrum.  It sucked.  It was all wrong.  Which actually is pretty right because losing a baby daughter out of the blue is all wrong.  A day that marks it happening and remembering it, an anniversary if you will, has got no business being anything other than all wrong at all.  The rest of March is really mostly just a recovery blur.  A stumbling bumbling hurling towards April because as we all know, if you can just get to the point where you are flipping a calendar page, it changes everything. 

In April, I went roller skating for the first time in likely 27 years.  A group of gals went out and did a whole roller derby theme and had a blast rolling along with kids who were very kind and supportive of us.  I also work Skunk's bike helmet which is essentially a plastic spiky Mohawk.  I'm telling you, I was a HUGE hit with that thing.

The Saudi moved out suddenly in February so April brought in another student.  For continuity, I will be calling the new student "The Saudi". It's because he's from Saudi Arabia.  He's a quiet homebody who likes to help out around the house.  He sweeps every night.  I thought I would be able to claim that activity and play it off like it was me doing it but Hubs caught on right away. 

Other stuff happened in April, but honestly, it was so long ago.  Sure, last month, right.  But still.  Because May begins a whole 'nother set of stuff going on.  May contains Hubs' birthday, Scooby's  birthday, and your humble blogger's birthday.  I'll skip over the first two birthdays and just talk about me.  Because this is my blog and it's all about me.  I hated turning 40 last year.  HATED it.  And, as self-fulfilling prophecies tend to do, it did suck good and proper.  But this year, I was determined to celebrate.  I survived 40.  And truly, there was some bare-knuckled, grin and bare it, hanging on for dear-life surviving it.  New year.  New start.  And Hubs rose to the task.  I got the girl's holy grail of bucket list items.  I got a blue box.  You know the one I'm talking about.  I also got Indian food for lunch.  And lots of attention.  My  soul, my needy, fairly materialistic soul was fed.  Not just because I got some jewelry but because of all the words that he said about why he wanted to do that for me.  Because I had friends who made a point of celebrating the fact that I exist and that I am in their world and they love that about me.  And then there was Mother's day.  And then there were soccer games and crisis moments in dear friends' lives.  And late fines.  And Go Cincinnati (fine.  I live in Cincinnati.  I guess we have progressed into that portion of our relationship.) And I managed to not drink for the entirety of a whole year. And then Hubs' mom called last weekend and told us that my sister-in-law, whom happens to have the same name as me and whom also has a May birthday that just happens to be exactly one week prior to mine, had gotten the news that she has breast cancer.  And honestly, I barely know what to do with that.  And that's just me, standing on the sidelines wanting to help and being 5 hours away and not knowing what to do.  That's not even her, with their two kids and her great sense of humor and humbling faith that has to go through it on a first person basis.  I can't wrap my tiny selfish brain around it.

So, that's a snapshot of where I have been.  What's been stealing me away from you.  I have defaulted to shopping and eating in dealing with this.  And you may well have had some even more compelling, crazy, catastrophic or chaotic circumstances in the past 5 months.  I am not trying to take that away from you.  It's all really just life.  And I don't know if it is truly just getting more complicated in general or if I'm just losing the tools necessary to deal appropriately as I get older.  But I have gained significant girth units.  I just still have no idea how to channel stress into healthy channels of coping.  I have yet to figure out an outlet.  My relationship with God is trying to thread itself back together.  I have decided to renew my resolutions using my entrance into the 42nd year of my life as the marker instead of New Year's eve.  My next post will be a reminder of what the already established resolutions are, an update on how those are going and random musings from my little slice of the world.  I hope you will consider re-joining the journey with me.  I have truly missed you.  And if there is one thing that I think has really started to burrow it's way into my super thick skull, it is that time is short.  We get one shot at this venue.  I get to share my life with these people, with you, just the one time.  And if I'm not making that count, if I'm not squeezing every ounce of life out of my life, what's the point?

Also, I figured out that I really, really like coconut.  Which doesn't have much of anything to do with anything but it happened while we were apart so I thought I would just mention it as well.